Two men, both in their 50's, both with cancer. One has small children, and a form of cancer so rare his doctor hasn't seen one like it in 10 years. His drugs have to be imported from overseas, and meanwhile he has to wait, while it continues to invade his liver. The other, adult children, and a growth in his neck. Both these men have had it before. In both cases, they were all clear and getting on with life. Both of them work in a significant role with students, but not at the same school. They are both friends of mine, though they don't know each other. One has faith, and the other believes in the power of setting goals and aiming high. I pray they will both have strength and hope and experience God's miraculous power & healing, along with His comfort for all their friends and families.

I'm feeling really QUITE grumpy tonight. I've been getting, on average, 4-5 hours sleep a night since going back to work this term, and not leaving work till after 6pm, in the dark, most nights, only to do another few hours once I get home! Yesterday we had Open Day, which meant I had to go in and supervise some SUPER seniors demonstrating scientific wonders, and was very much looking forward to a more relaxing day today.
Not so - damn migraine had other ideas. I'm sure if I could have kept the tablets Lynne put me onto DOWN for long enough they'd have worked like a charm, but no such luck. It was a gorgeous day, and I spent most of it in bed. GRUMP! I guess you could say it was an enforced catchup on sleep, but I sure coulda done without it.

3 things tore at my heart strings tonight. (I've dissected sheeps hearts this week, and I know they exist. Good biologists call them valves, but my 14 yr olds thought they looked like parachutes & strings)

The moon, a big yellow crescent, slowly disappearing as the horizon rose to meet it. I raced home to get my camera and this is it over the lagoon.
Walk On, by U2, playing on the car radio.
and saying goodbye to people I've only known 9 months, but in my heart I know we would have become the best of friends, had circumstances been different.
 
They all became one, in my consciousness, and it aches.
It's not every day I meet people with whom I feel an instant, heartwarming, connection. To be on the same wavelength, to share memories, even though they were of events that happened long before we met. And here they are leaving my life again so soon, having touched it deeply. I am a different person for having known them, and grieving for what might have been. I'd have liked longer. And I think I'm also grieving because realistically, we'll never make that deep bond. I hope we'll stay in touch.

And I know it aches
And your heart it breaks
You can only take so much
Walk on
Leave it behind
You've got to leave it behind

Tonight I went to my first Auckland Film Festival movie, Blind Flight - the story of hostages Brian Keenan and John McCarthy, held captive in Lebanon in the late 80's early 90's. I wasn't really aware of these men (along with the many others, also held captive) until I was living in England in 1991. So easy to blindly live unaware of the suffering of others in so many ways. I remember going into St Brides, in Fleet St, to see the candles constantly lit, as a prayer for the release of these men. Brian had been released by then, but John and Terry Waite, among others, were still held. I so vividly remember my tears of joy and relief, later that year, as first John and then later Terry were freed, along with the others released in those months. People talk about defining moments, remembering "where you were when...", and I so remember where I was on both those occasions. The movie was a really honest, sensitive portrayal of the shared captivity of Brian and John. The story of the making of the movie is told beautifully here by John Furse, co-screenwriter and director.
I think this movie really moved me because of a number of things. It was about events which I had partially experienced (as in, they occured at a time and in a way that I felt emotionally involved). It revised for me the contents of their books, both of which I read some years ago (Some other Rainbow, by John McCarthy and Jill Morrell, and An Evil Cradling, by Brian Keenan), and enabled me to visualise with them what it must have been like. It reminded me of the time I spent living in the middle east, and the appalling conditions some people live in, and the vacant, burnt & bombed out houses which I witnessed first hand, often just down the road from palatial mansions (eg the beauty of the King's palace in Amman, virtually next door to a refugee camp). It reminded me there are people still captive today, and seemingly in ever increasing numbers. That in the thick of immense difficulty, faith, joy and beauty may be found within. These thoughts and more are captured beautifully in the "Capitivity" and "Freedom" windows crafted by a glassmaker called John Clark, which he was commissioned to create for a Broxted Parish Church, in Essex. They are really beautiful, and the symbolism used is explained here by the artist. For me, this is a beautiful melding together of traditional church art and contemporary events.

Goodness, what a week! I can't believe how COLD it is in Christchurch!!! How do people survive??
I thoroughly enjoyed the science conference I went down for. My mind was stuffed so so so full by the end that I highly valued a nice relaxing day as a tourist. Hard to believe that I could be moved to tears by a scientific presentation! What I brought back in my conference bag is a mere sampling of what seems to have been stuffed in my head, and I'm gonna need this next week to unpack it all so that I have something to present to the rest of my department. Cor!!!

Meanwhile, I loved the new art gallery in Christchurch, as much for the architecture as anything else. Not being allowed to take photos of the collection, I've contented myself with some of the building itself. And stayed in town long enough to get a night shot of the chalice and cathedral. (did I mention how cold it was??)

see the penguin in the reflection?


'nother reflection shot - this one looking at the panes of glass of the air bridge inside the building refracting the distorted images both through the panes themselves (see the legs) and reflecting the distorted images refracted through the outside wall of the building.. got all that?? Lots of spiritual imagery there:


outside, again:


I loved the mixture of curve & line and texture in the foyer, too:


and here we go: the chalice at night

I got through the farewell speech yesterday ok. It was a real tearjerking occasion, as these things are. I'm really sorry to see my HOD leave, for more reasons than it leaving me in the hotseat. I feel like I'm only just really getting to know he and his wife well, and I think we'd have been great friends. Some people have commented how "cold" and "English" he seemed, to them, and I must say it took a whole term for me to get to break through that exterior, but I'm so glad I did. (Last night I discovered that his wife and I have the same favourite song by Deacon Blue: Dignity... This is no mean thing, as I recall when I came home from living in the UK being immensely disappointed that there was no-one here that shared the same musical history I'd had there. I loved Deacon Blue, the Raintown album was my first and favourite... Loaded is another goodie)


His year 13's got him a labcoat, and wrote beautiful messages all over it, which he was really really touched by.

Off to conference this week, hopefully I'll feel a little less fraught by the time I get back.

Hmm.. I seem to have had a bit of a break. At least I'm over my cold now though.
I'm off to Christchurch next week to a conference, and to visit Steve & Lynne's new church. I'm really looking forward to seeing what kind of place gained in our loss!! (yeah, I know, in the Kingdom of Heaven it's not really theft, but hey...) I better be careful not to sound ungrateful about the provision God has made to Graceway in their place. I'm really appreciating Mark (find his story here, courtesy of MootBlog).

I'm just about to embark on a job that I never ever wanted. 9 months ago I applied for a new job, with more responsibility, to be assistant head of department, and was enjoying it immensely until my head of department told me he was leaving. Now I've counted the months, I'm quite amused. It has taken that time to prepare, grow, train, strengthen me, for the new new job I'm about to take on. My head of department is going to finish, in 3 more days, and we haven't been able to replace him. I find myself thrust into the position, short term (till the end of the year), until it is a better time to advertise. I surely hope there is someone just waiting for the vacancy to come up again, and also that my boss isn't right. That in the meantime I won't actually find I enjoy it, and want it after all. All I can see at the moment is the stress combined with a larger burden of responsibility than I've ever desired, ever. I guess time will tell. I'm certainly going to (need to) be ever more aware of the enabling and comfort and refreshing of the Spirit of God.

I've got my fourth cold of the season. So so so sick of feeling under the weather. Tonight I have a truckload of work to do, and I've just given up. I can't think clearly enough for the tasks I need to do.

However, I am back on my repaired laptop. And it was utterly painless setting this one up - the wonderful techo just imported my profile off the loan one I've had for the last 6 weeks, this time. It seems as good as new! I'm so impressed!!!!

Yesterday, my Head of Department gave me the best postive reinforcement that anyone's given me all year. I'll spare the details, but the result was a real boost in confidence. Why do we find it so so hard to build each other up, usually? Why does it seem so much easier to tear down? If we all cherished the way we feel when someone else encourages us, surely we'd be all out to do the same for others? Then again, it seems to come really naturally to some. One step at a time, that's all I can manage!

I think it's been over a week since I blogged. There is some uncertainty in my employment at the moment, and I'd been confiding in a close friend, as one does. I was gutted to be told that some of it had been passed on to others. It feels wrong somehow, in a friendship, to have to define stuff as "personal", when to me it seems obvious. I've pulled in a bit, and stopped sharing. So I've been a bit sad.

My lappie is back from the lappie-fixers all fixed. This means that for the 4th time in a month i'll have to housetrain a new computer. I didn't set up all my little bits and pieces this time.. couldn't be bothered, knowing I'd only have to repeat it all again anyway. It's a bit sad when your desktop feels like "home"!!!!

Oh how hilarious. Some of my ex-students just won a national video competition. The National Nude Week competition from a Sports/chat TV show! They did a spoof on LOTR. Of course, that's not nearly as cool as having taught NZ Idol!!!!

Been playing a bit in Ship of Fools' internet Church tonight. Haven't had much luck getting in as a "real" person, but on occasion I can visit as a 'ghost'.

Tis interesting reading about others' experiences, and I saw this article on XtraMsn, about rude people crashing church and being obnoxious. Takes all sorts, eh!!

Yay... my eyes have been feeling really tired and gritty, and today it occured to me that maybe it was because I was spending too much time in front of the computer, and reading (reading The First Man in Rome, by Colleen McCullough at the moment.. and it's ENORMOUS), and just maybe it would be good for my eyes, not to mention the rest of me, if I got out and went for a walk. Making my eyes do some work on the horizon, flexing the farsight muscles. I ended up down at the waterfront, where the sun was blazing down, and there was fresh sea breeze and fresh sea smell. I stalked a kingfisher, as it was looking for fish.


I found myself thinking about the people who have been mentors and caregivers to me over the years, being the examples of a loving God incarnate, of a loving friend, of a loving father and mother as well. I am grateful to all of them for the examples they have been to me, and the love and care they have shown me. Some of them I'm still in touch with, others I've lost track of, while some have died. I like to think that the person I am today is better for having known and been cared for by them.

By the time I got home again I felt that many of the cobwebs had blown away, and that in spite of going for a walk by myself, that I wasn't alone. The love of these people walked with me. The love of God surrounds me.

This is important right now, as a time of great change is coming. I find myself having to take on much much more responsibility at work than I want, and must find the endurance and wisdom from the resources I have stored away for such a time. I need to grow more patience for dealing with difficult people, and I need to be more sensible about getting enough rest and about how I structure my days so that I fit everything in. I need to know when it is time to say "no more". I need to work smarter not harder, and I need to learn how. It'll be an interesting journey.

I don't feel like there's been much to blog about this week. I went to see Troy in the weekend, and enjoyed it more than Van Helsing the weekend before. I find it really interesting that there seems to be a major renaissance of epic/mythological/historical movies at present. Arthur and Alexander are both coming up soonish. Is this part of "our" search for "belonging" or "roots", or is it just a giant capitalisation on a perceived "good thing"?

What a funny old week it's been. Tuesday, after that really late night (I'm getting too old for this working late at night on assignments bizzo. Why do I do it to myself??) it was a manically full day. By the time I'd listened to a lecture in our Professional Development session (which I'd have found fascinating at any other time when I could stay awake) been to a meeting during lunch and after classes, and supervised a full on practical assessment, I was SOOOO ready for the massage I had booked.

A friend came round for dinner that night as well. I hadn't seen her since her wedding day, and actually still haven't met her husband other than for about 5 minutes at their engagement party. He has a night class on Tuesdays, and she works out my way, so it worked out nicely. I've been sad to lose touch with her so much since hubby arrived on the scene, but that's the way stuff happens sometimes. Some friends are just as good at being in touch, and others just simply move on to "his" friends.

The week has only got better, really. I so enjoyed my classes today. Watching my seniors make discoveries about the chemical world as they work their way through an individual investigation is quite special. It's so nice to see them becoming a little more independent. And they come up with the most hilarious problems for me to solve for them. Like one guy. Came up with a mortar FULL of raisins (the rest of the bag got slowly consumed when they thought I wasn't watching) to ask if I could think of an easier way to grind them up. Ummmm... have you thought about doing LESS at a time??? DOH! Nope, apparently that hadn't occured to him at all!!! Ever tried grinding raisins?? VERY sticky!

By the time I finished my assignment and handed it in online at 12.30am this morning, I was well and truly fed up. Yay for NZ Idol giving me something to smile about during the evening. Also spotted Rachel and Regan in the Herald yesterday. You go guys!!! Nice showing on the late news as well!
Meanwhile, gotta go earn a crust.....
Tired, so so tired...

Wow!!! Can't believe it. I have a computer working acey pacey, an extension for my assignment from last Monday to this, tickets for the Blues vs Highlanders Rugby match, and got a parcel off to my niece in Canada for less than $20. Seems a lot to send Rashuns across the whole wide world, but needs must!

Now, though I actually have to DO the assignment instead of just thinking about it! Sigh...!

A spiritual bypass?
Found this really interesting article in the current Listener. David Young, the writer, talks about the rise in Maori Spirituality/Ritual in contemporary society (with things like dam blessings, karakia at opening of new buildings and relocation of animals or birds by DOC), while at the same time Pakeha spirituality/ritual has become something not "of our culture".

He says: "In a book to be published later this year* I suggest that many Pakeha have had a spiritual bypass. As more and more have found the church's message less pertinent and voted with their feet, we have met Maori religion ñ which owes much to 19th-century missionary work ñ coming to meet us through the foliage overgrowing the back path to the church. But with what do we greet them?"

and: "But what Pakeha cannot offer and Maori still can is ritual, rooted in tradition that belongs entirely to this land. I suspect that most Pakeha are not comfortable with ritual and have been relieved to be able to shuck off the worst of the formalisms of the societies that our forebears left behind. Yet there are times when rituals that are grounded in this landscape and are of this time are needed. For the most part, however, only Maori seem to be able to fill this gap."

I'm going to be interested in what the book says when it comes out, and in the churches response to it. I wonder if, in the emergent church, some of the answers are already growing in an organic way?

Ha!!! So, it turned out to be the Sassy Sasser worm, which I would have been protected from if the lovely techies had downloaded the windows updates when they were setting up the computer, but ah well. It didn't take tooooooo long to rid it, and at least I got to them first! By the time I left their office they had a pile of about 7 other laptops, which all had it too! I certainly didn't feel bad at all. Mind you, I did spend quite a bit of time last night downloading every update in existence. Things are still a little slow.

And tonight, I christened my fondue set. I was too young (and my parents not young enough), to have had that phase in the 70's or 80's or whenever it was they were trendy. All the recipes wanted kirsch, which of course (because I wanted it NOW), none of the "locals" had, nor cherry schnapps, so I settled for cherry brandy. Ah well. I always wanted a pink cheese fondue! So yummy, tho. We had Two Paddocks reisling, which was delicious, even if it's hard to find. My friend and I had been looking for it (it's Sam Neill's vineyard) for a while, so I was pleased to find it in time for her birthday.

And so, I eventually picked up a new "loaner", and spent a couple of days setting it up the way I like it.
Desktop of boiling mud, from the trip last week.
Imported all the favourites and the address book (haven't been able to access the dbx files the techies saved from outlook express yet tho). Installed the couple of essential programmes I can't live without.
And then, this afternoon, a week to the day since I killed the last one, this new one turned up its toes and died.
Dunno why? One minute I was reading the Herald online, and the next it wouldn't let me load any new pages, and I got an error message when the email went to check for new mail. And it's gone unbelieveably slow and started throwing up some very peculiar windows. Hmmmmm, virus, thought I. Ran the scan, ran stinger, nothing. I give up. It's back in its case, ready to hand back to the techies on Monday, and I'm back to square 1. At least I haven't lost anything, though, yay.

It's rained relentlessly all day. It's been dark and dismal both inside and out. I usually don't mind the rain, but today it just seemed to echo how I felt.

Oh yay!!!
Our techies are just wonderful. They're my favorite people today. Charles managed not only to extract my hard drive from the casing, but also to download all my files. I spent all afternoon backing them up to CD!! It will be a week or two before I get my own 'puter back in it's new case, but my mind is at ease, now all the stuff I foolishly hadn't backed up is safe:) Been waking up an hour earlier each morning.. this morning it was 3.30am, tho I didn't have the same sense of panic, as I'd had earlier in the week. Was quite a peaceful contemplative time, even if I'd rather have been asleep.